I Believed That I Identified As a Lesbian - The Music Icon Enabled Me to Discover the Actual Situation

During 2011, a couple of years prior to the renowned David Bowie show opened at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I declared myself a homosexual woman. Up to that point, I had only been with men, with one partner I had wed. Two years later, I found myself in my early 40s, a newly single parent to four children, living in the US.

During this period, I had begun to doubt both my personal gender and attraction preferences, searching for understanding.

Born in England during the beginning of the seventies - pre-world wide web. When we were young, my companions and myself lacked access to Reddit or YouTube to consult when we had questions about sex; rather, we sought guidance from celebrity musicians, and in that decade, everyone was experimenting with gender norms.

The iconic vocalist donned masculine attire, The flamboyant singer embraced girls' clothes, and musical acts such as popular ensembles featured performers who were publicly out.

I wanted his narrow hips and precise cut, his angular jaw and flat chest. I aimed to personify the Berlin-era Bowie

In that decade, I spent my time riding a motorbike and wearing androgynous clothing, but I reverted back to femininity when I decided to wed. My partner transferred our home to the United States in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an undeniable attraction revisiting the manhood I had previously abandoned.

Considering that no artist played with gender quite like David Bowie, I opted to use some leisure time during a summer trip back to the UK at the museum, with the expectation that possibly he could provide clarity.

I didn't know precisely what I was seeking when I stepped inside the exhibition - maybe I thought that by losing myself in the extravagance of Bowie's gender experimentation, I might, as a result, discover a insight into my personal self.

Before long I was positioned before a small television screen where the film clip for "the iconic song" was playing on repeat. Bowie was moving with assurance in the front, looking polished in a slate-colored ensemble, while to the side three backing singers dressed in drag clustered near a microphone.

In contrast to the drag queens I had seen personally, these ladies didn't glide around the stage with the self-assurance of born divas; instead they looked bored and annoyed. Relegated to the background, they had gum in their mouths and expressed annoyance at the boredom of it all.

"The song's lyrics, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, appearing ignorant to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a brief sensation of understanding for the accompanying performers, with their heavy makeup, awkward hairpieces and constricting garments.

They appeared to feel as ill-at-ease as I did in feminine attire - annoyed and restless, as if they were longing for it all to conclude. Precisely when I recognized my alignment with three male performers in feminine attire, one of them ripped off her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and revealed herself to be ... Bowie! Surprise. (Naturally, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I became completely convinced that I wanted to remove everything and transform like Bowie. I craved his slender frame and his precise cut, his angular jaw and his male chest; I sought to become the slender-shaped, artist's Berlin phase. And yet I was unable to, because to truly become Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Coming out as gay was one thing, but transitioning was a considerably more daunting prospect.

I needed several more years before I was willing. In the meantime, I made every effort to embrace manhood: I abandoned beauty products and threw away all my feminine garments, shortened my locks and began donning masculine outfits.

I sat differently, modified my gait, and changed my name and pronouns, but I paused at surgical procedures - the chance of refusal and remorse had left me paralysed with fear.

When the David Bowie display finished its world tour with a stint in the American metropolis, five years later, I went back. I had experienced a turning point. I couldn't go on pretending to be a person I wasn't.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I became completely convinced that the challenge didn't involve my attire, it was my body. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a feminine man who'd been wearing drag all his life. I wanted to transform myself into the individual in the stylish outfit, dancing in the spotlight, and then I comprehended that I had the capacity to.

I made arrangements to see a medical professional soon after. The process required additional years before my transformation concluded, but none of the things I anticipated came true.

I still have many of my feminine mannerisms, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a gay man, but I accept this. I sought the ability to experiment with identity like Bowie did - and since I'm content with my physical form, I have that capacity.