Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
